The Guru

Hello dear readers,

Today, I would like to introduce you to my dad, Paul Bennett. A man whom we shall refer to from this point forward as ‘The Guru’. Before Paul became a guru, he was an ordinary man.

Well, an ordinary man with an impressive, curly explosion of glittery white hair and lime green glasses. An ordinary man who is a professionally trained opera singer, accomplished violinist, painter and graphic designer. An ordinary man, who all too often is mistaken for a woman. Usually, he gets called ‘Madam’ from behind, on account of his flowing white curls. A few times he has been called Madam from the front. Most disconcertingly, when breakfasting recently with his wife, they were mistaken for a lesbian couple.

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The Guru found his calling one day about 18 years ago. It appeared, to his family at least, that he was experiencing some sort of spiritual mid life crisis. Usually, when men have mid life crises, there are younger women involved, or flashy cars or a sudden urge to do DIY. But the Guru had Jogananda. And Anthony Robbins. And Conversations With God. And The Celestine Prophecy. And The Explorer Race, to name a few. The other thing about mid-life crises, is that they have a time limit. And yet ‘Paul’ never returned. The Guru was here, and he was here to stay.

If you are one of The Guru’s 3901 Facebook disciples, you will already be privvy to his spiritual wisdom. The most interesting thing about Gurus though, is that despite the fact you might believe they are made from a combination of love and light, they are in fact very human. Perhaps even more so than the rest of us. Please enjoy the short stories below, taken from the Guru’s life as a human, interspersed with his wonderful words of wisdom. Hallelujah.

Domestic duties

Once upon a time there was a man who ironed his pants when he was still wearing them. And yes, he did get a serious burn on his stomach, since you were wondering.

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Green Shorts

Once upon a time, there was a man who bought a pair of green shorts while on a family holiday in Bali. He liked them – they looked terrific. Also, they were very cheap. They may even have been ‘morning price’ or ‘afternoon price’ or even ‘good luck price’. What price they were is irrelevant to the story, but they did represent good value for money. Anyway, he wore them to the beach and into the sea. The colour ran. The bottom half of his stomach and his upper legs were bright green, for days!

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Second Hand Shopping

Once upon a time, there was a man who walked into an op shop. On the counter, was a bowl full of what the man allegedly thought looked like colourful lollies. He threw a handful in his mouth. They were painted pebbles. Brightly coloured, painted, second-hand pebbles. They were dusty. He spat them into his hand and put them back. Carry on, nothing to see here!

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The Corner Store

Once upon a time, there was a man whose wife sent him to the store to get her some tampons. He returned home, with pads. “No, tampons!” She insisted. He went back to the shop. He returned home with different pads. This time, they had wings. “These are pads. I need tampons,” she said. “T-A-M-P-O-N-S.” By the third go, he’d got it.

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Fish and Chips

Once upon a time, there was a man who was supposed to be losing weight. He had high cholesterol and blood pressure. And yet despite his wife’s pleas to eat healthy, he would sit in the car and secretly eat packets of lollies, wagon wheels, muesli bars and bags of mixed nuts. Only, it was never a secret, because he always left evidence: wrappers in the glove box, or a lone red frog on the floor. When he was sprung, he would never fail get a good shellacking from his wife. And yet he never realised that by simply throwing away the rubbish, his secret would be safe. The other day, he secretly had fish and chips for lunch, followed by a bag of cookies for dessert. But it wasn’t a secret, because his wife found his lunch receipt on the bedside table. When she asked him later if he’d eaten anything for lunch that day, he said, “No.”

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The Bee

Once upon a time, there was a man who loved nature with every fibre of his being. If he ever found a bee which had used it’s one precious sting, and was clearly struggling, breathing it’s final buzzing breaths, he would try to soothe it by feeding it honey from a spoon. Ten times out of ten, the bee would find itself breathing its final buzzing breaths with its wings stuck together.

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The Butterfly

Once upon a time, there was a man who rescued a drowning butterfly. He spent almost an hour, painstakingly blowing gently on its wings, to ensure it a safe flight following its traumatic ordeal. When the time was right, he launched the butterfly in the air, and said, “Fly little butterfly. Be FREE!” At that precise moment, as the butterfly took its first, halting flaps in the air, an Australian Minor Bird swooped down and ate the poor little bastard.

The End

(Love and light!)

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2 thoughts on “The Guru

  1. Sue Wheeler says:

    Please don’t wait too long until the next installment Cecily. You, The Guru and Tutti are more entertaining than The Osbornes will ever be. Lovely, funny, inspiring and well-written.

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