Ok, maybe that title’s a bit misleading. It should probably read three examples of me being a smartarse, when I was a child. There’s no denying that I had chutzpah in bucketloads.
A letter that seamlessly weaves together love, apology and emotional blackmail
Dear Mum, Please don’t blame me if I am mean to Sonia. She’s been pretty mean to me and Im upset because you are so sad and crying. I adore you and want you to know I think your wonderful.
Your exiting, your fun and your not boring. You should also know that I love you and your making my life miserable. I love you much. Ceci xxxx
A card slyly acknowledging my habit of staying on the toilet reading for as long as it took for all the chores I was supposed to be doing to be done by long-suffering Tutti, mixed with earnest apology, a small tug at the heartstrings and finished off with a bitchy confession that the tooth fairy’s identity was no longer a magical secret. BAM!
Front cover of card. Speech bubbles read: “Cecily your reading on the loo” “Sssorry Mmmummy” … “What a great book”
Dear Mummy, I’m sorry that I spoke rudely when Mimi was here. Before you even got angry I knew I’d gone too far. And I’m also sorry for staying on the toilet for so long. Love Ceci P.S. Please let me go to Benji’s party. P.P.S Write back and tell me, since your the tooth fairy what do you do with my teeth?
Just two pages dripping with sarcasm, sorry-not-sorry, and justification for being a mean big sister (love you Fluffy!) topped off with an expert flourish of I-know-you-love-me-so-let’s-just-agree-this-is-all-bullshit. Whatevs, Mummy-o.
Darling, Angry Mother, So sorry you smaked me and I hope your sorry two. I hope you know your smack was bloody hard. I hope you burned the parm of your hand. I’m sorry you got angry but as I get older I like Sonia to stay out of my room sometimes. To her, I’m sorry if I hurt her too much but I do it by accident and my anger rises. I have to admit sometimes PTO
She is a nosey stuborn bitch!! (Sorry about my French) Anyway, I ❤ U and I know you love me so, Forgive but you don’t have to forget. Cecily xxx
I’ll be a mother myself in a couple of weeks or so. I have a feeling karma is going to well and truly bite me on the butt. And Tutti will be laughing all the way.